Dumb Ways to Use a Loan

You’ve just obtained a home equity loan. Congratulations, you can now call yourself a property owner who has chosen to obtain a second mortgage on their home. What will you do with all that extra money, now that you know how a home equity loan works? Here are some ridiculous ways to use a loan that will make you giggle until you drop (and then cry when you have to start making payments).

1. Get your cat a huge hamster wheel.

Why not give your pet the pleasure of running on a huge hamster wheel? You won’t believe how entertaining it will be to watch your cat utilize the wheel for the first two minutes, then give up. If you install it in the living room and invite guests over for a kitty wheel party, you get extra points.

2. Have a personal chef to just make you pizza.

When you can eat pizza every day, who needs a healthy diet? You can enjoy countless variations on this traditional dish by using your loan to employ a personal chef who specializes in cooking pizza. Just be ready to accept your actions’ consequences when your doctor informs you that your cholesterol levels are really high.

3. Build a huge ball pit in your garden.

When you were a child, do you still enjoy the thrill of diving into a ball pit? Why not duplicate that encounter in your backyard? You may purchase enough plastic balls with a home equity loan to fill an Olympic-sized swimming pool, then jump around in them as much as you want. Just make sure to employ a lifeguard—drowning in a sea of plastic balls is not the best course of action.

4. Purchase a time machine.

We’re not sure if this is technically possible, but if it is, using your loan in this manner would be a very foolish idea. Imagine traveling through time to see historical occurrences, only to discover that you failed to pack a phone charger and are unable to capture any photos. Or even worse, unintentionally treading on a butterfly and altering the course of history.

5. Purchase some rubber hens.

Why spend one rubber chicken when you can spend ten thousand? Your friends and relatives will doubt your sanity as they look at your collection of rubber chickens, which you can gather with the help of your loan. When the bill is due, just be ready to justify your need for so many rubber chickens.

6. Purchase numerous lottery tickets.

When you can purchase hundreds of tickets, why settle for just one chance to win the lottery? You can (slightly) improve your chances of winning and have a better chance of becoming a billionaire with the help of your loan. So be ready to confront the unpleasant truth if none of your tickets work out.

7. Engage a qualified Fortnite coach.

Why not use your loan to hire a skilled Fortnite instructor who can show you how to dominate every match if you enjoy gaming? Certainly, it could seem like a wise investment, but once you realize that you’ve spent thousands of dollars on a video game, you’ll probably regret it.

8. Get a farm of pet rocks.

Pet rocks could be extinct, but with the money from your loan, you can start a pet rock farm and lead the way in the market. Just be prepared to explain to your friends and family why you’re spending all your time and money on rocks that don’t do anything.

9. Establish a museum for your collection of used tissues.

Why not create a piece of art out of your used tissues if you frequently have colds? You can create a museum with the money you borrow to display your collection of used tissues and welcome visitors from around the globe to be inspired by your works. Just be ready for the possibility that nobody will want to stop by.

10. Purchase a range of fragrant shoelaces.

Tired of your shoes smelling like, well, shoes? Why not make a purchase of some perfumed shoelaces? You can start a new product line with the money you borrow, revolutionizing the shoe business. Just be ready that nobody will want to purchase them.

You now know several incredibly stupid ways to use a loan. A home equity loan is a significant financial choice, so it’s crucial to use it responsibly. If you do choose to travel the path of absurdity, though, at least you’ll have some amusing tales to share when you’re poor and eating ramen for dinner.