DOMINIC LAWSON: My irreverent predictions for 2023 (and oh how I wish some came true!)

Dmitry Medvedev, the former Russian president and dutiful cronie of Vladimir Putin, has amused himself with predictions for the coming year.

Last week he posted a series of them in English on Twitter and received no fewer than 38 million views.

The man, who is now deputy chairman of Russia’s Security Council, introduced them by saying that this time of year people like to make predictions – “even the most absurd” – offering what he calls his “modest contribution”. .

These included: “War will break out between France and the Fourth Reich, Europe will be divided, Poland will be redistributed” and “Civil war will break out in the USA, California and Texas will become independent states as a result. Texas and Mexico will form an allied state. Elon Musk will win presidential elections in a number of states.”

Dominic Lawson has revealed his irreverent predictions for the year ahead

October: A freak accident kills President Putin when a giant table collapses on him

It ended ominously: “Christmas Greetings to you Anglo-Saxon friends and your happily oinking piglets.”

In the real world, Russia is the only country starting wars in Europe, but that quickly held back Twitter’s new owner, Elon Musk, perhaps flattered by the mention of Medvedev: “Epic thread!!”

Though Musk added the next day, perhaps after being approached by some adults, “Those are definitely the most absurd predictions I’ve ever heard.”

Well, that was more the point. And it encouraged me to contribute my own part – in a similarly satirical spirit, minus the Russian bloodlust.

Harry and Meghan are releasing a Netflix documentary complaining that California residents haven’t been welcoming enough, Dominic Lawson said

January: Harry and Meghan are releasing a Netflix documentary complaining that Californians aren’t welcoming enough. They describe Oprah as “cold, haughty and condescending”.

February: RMT leader Mick Lynch falls during a picket line but ambulances are on strike that day so he has to wait 24 hours before they can take him to the emergency room.

March: The Bluebell Railway wins all concessions to operate British rail services.

National Union of Rail, Maritime and Transport (RMT) Chairman Mick Lynch

April: Former Chancellor Kwasi Kwarteng launches website with investment tips and advice. It’s a smash hit: Millions subscribe so they know which stocks and other financial products to avoid.

Can: Amazon is bought by Elon Musk. He fires all employees and says the company will no longer ship products to people’s homes.

June: A bitter clash erupts between rival climate change protest groups, leading to Extinction Rebellion’s attachment to Insulate Britain.

Elon Musk, CEO of Tesla and SpaceX

July: Writing to Sir Hugh Robertson, chairman of the Sports Honors Committee, David Beckham claims that English footballers are indicating that they would like to be knighted by getting on one knee before every game. Beckham complains that he’s been asking for one for a long time.

August: President Joe Biden says he won’t run for re-election — he wants to make room for someone with more vitality. Former President Jimmy Carter, age 98, secures the Democratic nomination.

British football legend David Beckham

September: Michelle Mone names Donald Trump her personal tax adviser: The bra-selling multimillionaire and fellow Tory says she needs all the support she can get.

October: A freak accident kills President Putin when a giant table collapses on him.

November: Liz Truss wins “I’m a Celebrity”. . . Get me out of here! and spent longer in the jungle than at 10 Downing Street. Prince Andrew emulates Matt Hancock and is second: He’s promoting his own memoir, Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff.

December: The Royal Mail has been on strike for 365 days but no one notices.

And now 10 phrases I want to ban forever this year

Here, for fellow pedants everywhere, is my list of words and phrases that were widely used in 2022 that would be wonderful to hear less of in 2023.

1. ‘Unbelievable’. I wrote about the ubiquity of this word here in 2019, but nobody did anything about it. Government spokesmen seem to be the most affected by this verbal tic. Last week, an article in the Times quoted one saying the Prime Minister was “incredibly grateful for these people.” [in the military] during these strike days” and that it was “incredibly disappointing” that the RMT continued their strikes. What happened to “very”?
2. “I am humiliated”. Most commonly used by people when receiving public honors long due to them. “I’m proud” would be more honest.
3. ‘Please reply to the invitation by . . . “Invite is a verb. The noun is ‘invitation’.
4. ‘Preplanned’. Worse still: “prepared”. You can’t plan anything after the event. Prepared should only be accepted by people with a stutter. And certainly not in a document from the Crown Prosecution Service that referred to “pre-packaged statements” by the defendants.
5. ‘Historic’. This is one of those words that no one uses in ordinary speech, but that is used by broadcasters and some newspapers. I’ve even seen “told story”. It’s an American term for “famous”. No word is of any use.
6. ‘Sometime soon’. Another American import. Just “soon” will do.
7. ‘Simple’. This monstrosity is from an ad campaign featuring a Russian meerkat. This campaign had been suspended after the Russian war against Ukraine. The word itself is now to be sanctioned.
8. ‘Unnoticed’. The word is unknown. “Unbeknownst” tries to sound like something out of the works of Shakespeare or the original King James Version of the Bible. But it doesn’t show up in any.
9. ‘Think’. This archaic always precedes a statement of dazzling obviousness and unoriginality to make it sound deeper.
10. ‘End of’. Let’s see an end to that this year as well.